Fug the Future

"Oh, CRAP," Gillian Anderson seems to be thinking, "I'm still wearing my towel, aren't I?" I'm sorry, Agent Scully, but it seems that you are. But take heart! It appears to be a very, very expensive towel, and you can just tell everyone that you were forced to wear this as part of a black ops government experiment involving  black oil, guys with bionic arms, super soldiers, your ova, a chip in the back of your neck, a guy with a wicked nicotine addiction, and a variety of little green men. That sounds like a pretty good excuse to me.

Fug Fug

At first, I thought Paris Hilton might have been allowed to attend one of the many global horse-racing events that encourage crazy hats and wonky poses like you are deeply drunk on Pimm's Cups.

But, no. She's just promoting her fragrance, "Can Can," which a) I am afraid might be so named because it smells like Paris does after a night of dancing at the clubs, and b) is apparently aimed at girls who piss off their cousins by going to their country weddings wearing white dresses and hats that resemble a contemporary-art take on bird excrement; cozying up to the cute young vicar at the reception after pouring vodka into his tonic; and then dragging him under the head table to make out until they are discovered midway through the father-daughter dance, at which point he's got lipstick on his forehead and his pants are on his head.

Sigh.

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

There is nothing Eva Longoria loves more than a nice, subtle understatement.

Although there is a part of me that appreciates this drama -- kind of the way I thought it was deeply ridiculous in a HILARIOUS way that Celine Dion gave all her wedding guests a large photo album full of glamour shots of herself, and then a while later had a second wedding that I believe involved riding elephants -- I just can't help wondering if Eva thinks that every time she sets foot in France, she needs to remind us all of her lavish wedding. Cannes is a big, fancy deal, sure, but did she really need to deprive every ballet academy in Europe of its tulle supply? I would suggest Eva is the female embodiment of Bobby Trendy, but frankly, Bobby Trendy is already sort of the female embodiment of Bobby Trendy. And somewhere out there, looking at this photo, he is having an aneurysm of pleasure.

poll by twiigs.com

Fuginator

In total fairness, I bet this IS comfortable:

Like my grandma's housedress, or a hotel robe, neither of which I would willingly wear out of the house. In addition to that fact that it's a vaguely Hammer-Pantsian jumpsuit romper, it looks like a rather cheap Hammer-Pantsian jumpsuit romper. The sort of thing you grab when you're in Urban Outfitters picking up some wacky summer sunglasses and hold up and wave at your friend while making a, "can you believe they're selling this?!?!" face, and then she makes a "Whoa!" face and then you both go back to trying on sunglasses and end up buying ones that you suspected would make you look like an asshole, but it turns out are actually kind of cute. But no one really BUYS that Hammer-Pantsian jumpsuit romper from Urban Outfitters. It ends up in the back left corner of the store under deep, deep discount along with the hemp culottes and the fringed hotpants. And if someone DOES buy the Hammer-Pantsian jumpsuit romper, she probably just wears it around the house. OR SHE SHOULD.

For A Good Fugging Cause II: YOU Are Fugging GREAT

We have really awesome, big-hearted readers. Seriously, go hug yourselves. Because since we posted about our National Doodle Day drawing on eBay, with all proceeds going to charity (if you missed it, click here for details), our strange but sketched-with-love drawing has managed to work its way up to a $255 price tag. Take THAT, Goldie Hawn's Doodle! Eat our dust, David Cassidy! How do you like the truth that's out there NOW, Chris Carter, huh?

No, no, I jest. It's so thrilling to see so many bidders on ALL these doodles coming out and doing something generous for charity; we're just blessed to have a blog with supportive and lovely readers. And have we mentioned you're attractive? Because you are. Very much so. And you will look even MORE attractive next to this:

Bidding ends on Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern, so you still have time to scour the sketches (there are some really good ones) and see if there's something that catches your fancy. Hey, it's for the children!

And because we're so delighted that our... let's call it "rare" ...  piece of artwork is able to contribute to this great cause, we've decided to match as much of the winning bid as we can, in a separate donation to Neurofibromatosis Inc. Which basically means we're matching all of it -- unless there's a mysterious benefactor out there about to slap down $5,000 for it (and if there is, you are both deeply fantastic and possibly blind), I'm pretty sure we can swing the whole amount.

So go forth and bid while you can! We're coming for you, Candice Bergen... oh yes, we are.

Scrolldown Fug: Rachel Bilson

Most of Rachel Bilson is at a party for Target.

[Photo: Splash News]

But her feet are at a brown-bag-themed high-school party, where everyone is required to swig their wine coolers, Long Island Iced Teas, or Colt 45 from a bottle hidden in a paper sack. But monitor them carefully, Rachel -- you don't want them to end up drunk in the bathroom, wailing for a friend to come in and help them re-snap the crotch piece of their spandex bodysuit. Because I've seen that party before, and it always ends with vomit in the bathtub.

Fugmantha Jones/Well Played, Cynthia Nixon

"You know, screw it. So WHAT if I lost the coin toss and had to be the one separating Sarah Jessica and Kim. BIG DEAL if Kim's fingernail is making my back bleed because she is digging into it, thinking it's Sarah Jessica's hand. Who cares? I look fantastic. AGAIN. This is my revenge for how they never let Miranda be as fabulous as the other three. Although, Kristen and Sarah Jessica look nice, too, but WHAT is going on with Kim? It's like she has a satchel sewn to her hip, and the dress is all pulled and strange... I wonder... I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but I DID see Sarah Jessica's assistant trying to bury a hot glue gun in a planter, although Kristin told me Patricia Field was just trying to decide whether it would work as a last-minute headpiece. But she might have been kidding... Oh, whatever, I can't keep up with who hates whom these days. All I know is, if I look like a million bucks one more time, they're all going to hate ME. And I'm going to LOVE IT, because I EARNED THIS, bitches. Take that, breast cancer. You lose, and I am hot, and every man here is bummed I'm not into putting sausage on the grill. RECOGNIZE!"

dBfug

Oh, Vicks. There IS a reason why your dBv trousers aren't selling:

I mean, honestly, darling. Would YOU buy your pants if you weren't already contractually obligated to do so? Obviously not, as you can't even be bothered to hem them.

Fug Out

Apparently, this dude, Jesse Brune, is a trainer on Work Out. I don't watch the show, so I have no beef with him.

But I will, if he keeps wearing this shirt around Hollywood. What if Kirsten Dunst sees him? PLEASE, sir, think of the boobs.

Cannes Fug Carpet: Well Played, Angelina Jolie (OK, and Lucy Liu)

LUCY: I kind of wish I wasn't standing here.

ANGELINA: Hmm?

LUCY: I mean, you have no right to look that hot. You're having twins!

ANGELINA: Mmm-hmm.

LUCY: And you're wearing a color! You almost never wear color. And it's a GREAT color.

ANGELINA: Mmm.

LUCY: I thought I looked pretty cute, but seriously, no woman in her right mind should ever put herself next to you.

ANGELINA: Mmm.

LUCY: I kind of want to make out with you.

ANGELINA: Mmm!

LUCY: Damn right.

NYFug.com

Well, ANTM X is officially in the books, and although there was nary an endearing/terrifying/jaw-dropping nutter like C6's Jade in the bunch -- tranny-lite Dominique came closest, but get back to us when she's writing beat poetry in the confessional -- the cycle yielded three fairly well-matched finalists who actually TALKED to each other instead of sitting around eating breakfast in sullen silence. Over at New York's site, we debated the merits of the big finale.

Jessica: I especially enjoyed the moment when Miss J was like, "OF COURSE WHITNEY HAS ISSUES! SHE SO FAT!" And Tyra had to step in and be like, "She is only MODEL FAT. Not REALLY fat."

Heather: Now that's a PSA in the making.

Jessica: I do think I've learned a valuable lesson. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's valuable.

In a show of love for our overseas readers, we won't say who won, because we're feeling charitable today. But if you want to catch the rest of our impressions of the victor, her two bounced competitors, and the overall episode, click on over to read the full column.

Fuga Malone

Coming soon to a stage near you:

Jena Malone IS Little Orphan Velma, the plucky girl whose passion for jazz and betting her bottom dollar prompt her to poison the proprietress of her Chicago orphanage and convert it into a casino/nightclub. Follow her as she serves prison time for sneaking into the White House to leave a demo tape with the president and "accidentally" murders his housekeeper! Root for her when her fellow orphans testify against her on the stand! Weep with relief when a wealthy billionaire springs her from the pokey in exchange for agreeing to live in his guest bedroom and tap-dance on his back patio three times a week! Co-starring Donald Trump.

Fug Tree Hill

Dear Hilarie Burton:

Love the dress, but you are starting to worry me.

Seriously, that would be so much prettier if it didn't look like it was falling off your frame. Listen, I know the noxious fumes from Chad Michael Murray's pomade are generally enough to scare away any girl's appetite, but please do not let that keep you from exploring the wonders of carbohydrates. You are too pretty to waste away. Just have one of your other co-stars make you a cheesecake sandwich, or something, and then maybe invest in some scented noseplugs so that further CMM-related air-quality issues are less likely to cause nausea. After all, that Chocolate Fudge Ripple hoagie needs time to stick with you.

Fugholland Drive

Naomi Watts' belted toga makes her knees look like they're about two inches above her ankle bone, and gives the impression that she's hunched over in bladder-suppressing agony.

I'm telling you all that now because once you see the picture, it's entirely possible your eyes will not travel far enough south to notice the rest of it.

She really should have sold ad space on those nipple flowers.

Cannes Fug or Fab Carpet: Julianne Moore

Oh, Julianne Moore! Part of me is just in love with this. I love it when you go all John Singer Sargent on us:

And part of me feels like there's just too much happening on the bodice, in a way that screams, "I literally just walked off the set of the film I'm currently making, based on a previously undiscovered Henry James novel, in which my character makes a lot of minor but horrifying social errors, eventually marries a mean nouveau riche man for money in the hopes of making her enemies pay, but still suffocates under the far-reaching demands of Polite Society and instead of running off to Italy, eventually drowns herself in a lake." Plus, then it's sheer from the knee down. THE SCANDALE!

polls by twiigs.com...